And he tried

It's amazing how much environment changes us. How you can be totally one person at home and another one outside your own country. I am not speaking about roles here. I know that this is normal, people take different roles, when they are speaking wih friends or coworkers or parents or somebody else. I am talking about how a person behaves with himself and how he ralizes at one point that this is totally wrong way. It is bad and not comfortable not only for himself but also others who are communicating with him at that moment. At one point the person sits down and thinks "why do i behave like that why i react this stuoid way. I haven't done this for so long and when i come back here i start to behave this crazy way again." He knows that he has done much better when he was somewhere else. But still there is something that doesn't let him to behave in satisfied way. And it eats him from inside. He tries to find out the problems, he tries to talk different way and to be calm and friendly and all the other things that he wants to be and he knows he is capable of doing.
But it happens again!
And again.
And he hates it.
But he knows that actually there are this little reasons why he is doing the things this way. He also knows that he cannot change this things right now, because he has to stay in that environment for quite some time.

Inglise keeles kirjutamine võtab ikka veidi tahtmist ja hoolt. Kuigi nii mõnedki mõttet on varmad tulema ja olema peas valmis kujul just inglise keeles, siis päris kõik kindlasti mitte. Ja trükkimine läheb ka justkui veidi aeglasemalt. Inglise keele juures on minu jaoks häiriv ka see, et anonüümselt kirjutada on kuidagi paha, kuna asesõnadel on sugu kohe küljes. Nii ma siis kirjutasingi kellestki "meessoost temast", kui tegelikult peaks see kõik olema ainult anonüümne ja abstraktne.

Jah, aga mida teha, kui teada, et need asjad, mis poanevad sind käituma enda jaoks mitte rahulolevalt, on just need, mille muutmine ei ole sinu võimuses. Ütlete, et siis tuleb enda kallal tööd teha. Väidetavalt on seda aastaid tehtud. Ja vilja on kandnud see töö mujal viibides. Ära olles on kõik kulgenud justkui lepase reega. Kuid selles kohas ei saa, püütud ju ometi palju.

They must be happy about it

It feels very good when people close to you say exellent things sbout you. So, couple of my friends said good things about me, to me and a little bit to other people too.
So now i am thinking that either i am a really good actress, because i can make people believe that i am playing a very good role, or maybe i really am a good person doing many things and knowing how to give an impulse to tohers to do something.
A really good friend of mine wrote a testimonial to ORKUT about me yesterday. Reading that feels like i am somebody who is always thinking and doing practical things. But actually i am so lazy that even i can't believe it anymore, how lazy a person can be.
I actually think that i might have good potential to do and to be somebody but i am not using most of it. I would like to do so much more, but usually i don't know how to use my time effectively. Instead of reading books and write my thesis i end up doing nothing. Motivating myself doesn't work. It works on other people :(